days 2793 and 2794

Dear Dell,

I tried. I wanted to post daily but I missed yesterday. I did post on both blogs Thursday. Does that count?

Yesterday I spent most of the day feeling like someone kicked me in the stomach. I ran to the bathroom quite a few times. Which means I also did damage control when I left the bathroom quite a few times as well. Luckily nothing was set on fire in Max's new toy, the microwave.

Today we were supposed to go to a wedding. We discussed this morning and decided that sending a card was easier on everybody. The reception was indoors (we had already decided to skip the ceremony at the church) at the groom's parent's house. Considering we have never even met the people we didn't feel it was fair to bring Gage to them. So a card with some cash/gift certificate it is.

We went to Fuddruckers for lunch today. I don't know where else this restaurant is, so not sure who's familiar with it, but it is a hamburger joint with some yummy potato wedges and all the cheese you want to dip them in.

CHEESE!

YUM!

Kayla hates this restaurant so we spend half the meal dealing with her, and I spend half my meal contemplating how it is that we haven't taken her to a psychiatrist yet.

We then moved on to PetSmart where Gage behaved so badly I spent the car ride from there crying. I don't think that I could ever express the impact this disorder has on our family in words. I just don't think it is possible to understand the depth of how much this affects him and the rest of us unless you are also dealing with a Bipolar child. Lately it has felt very overwhelming. I'm just so tired of being embarrassed, and defensive, and on high alert. Can you imagine everything feeling like a crisis all the time? The adrenaline and the energy it takes to be ON the whole time? That is us. I'm so very tired.

Anyway, at PetSmart we bought some algae eating catfish for our small fish tank (we have a really big one for the turtles) however one of the two fish is already dead. Guess it's back to PetSmart tomorrow.

We finished our outing by going to Walmart for half the groceries (to be finished tomorrow at Aldi), and of course I spent half the time in there telling everyone to just go home, I would walk alone with the groceries. I seriously have no idea why I do this to myself. I always take everyone with me because there is something Grant and I will want to look at together and have to discuss, but after ten minutes being in the store I will remember why I flip out every time. I have no idea why I torture myself so much.

We came home to put groceries away and then of course the kids really became rambunctious. The highlight...Kayla tying a piece of plastic onto the top bunk bed and trying to swing off of it. It broke, she fell, and of course more crying.

Is it bad that every time she cries I want to stab my ear drums?

I know, I'm supposed to be touchy feely lovey dovey sympathetic, but she really just makes me want to run away when she starts with her cry.

I never promised to be sweet and nice... you get the truth here.